Parenting 101



I love playing with the minds of young couples before they have kids!! Reality sure can be funny if you happen to be on the upside of it! It is so fun.. because these
couples are so eager to enter into something they think will be EASY!
I always open with, “What topics do you want to cover first????….Fluids, Smells, Sleep Depravation, Patience or Sex….???” That usually leaves them speechless, so I choose for them….”
For starters, if you ARE accustom to Sleep, Patience or Sex, soak all that up now, because you won’t be seeing much of that for the next 8-10 years!! ” Now if you AREN’T accustom to foul smells, bodily fluid and high pitched screams that slowly progress into incessant whining …Brace yourselves, because that will be one thing you can count on for the next 8-10 years!!”
Now for some basic training….As soon as
you have kids you can pack up all of your good clothes. Infants mark their territory! You get so use to ‘plops’ on
your clothing, that you don’t even notice them until they are pointed out to you. New parents should just buy coveralls, along with a 10 year supply of wet-wipes, with a handy holster off the hip.. for easy access!
The next course of action should be to move all of your furniture into storage and buy inflatable rubber stuff….this will bring their jumping to a sudden halt, because one good hop, catapults anyone across the
room….while at the same time cleaning up spills is a breeze! It is a great investment, and cuts down on frustration and work time. Anyone with any experience in parenting will tell you that those are two major areas of constant concern!
After you take care of the furniture, rip out all of the carpet in your house, replace it with the cheapest linoleum you can buy. Install drains, equipped with garbage disposals, in the
center of each room. Now, there aren’t many disasters you can’t handle! Even if someone drops by unannounced, have the kids delay them for a couple of minutes on the porch and wa-la….everything is spotless…..a little slippery, but spotless!
Oh, you are still missing one crucial element.. Ventilation!! There is no system known to man that can remove all of the foul odors of early childhood! So, I’ve gone another
route and created my own, personal potpourri made up of raw onions and garlic…. it will cover up anything!! And also clear anything out, takes your sense of smell to a whole new level, by inhibiting you to smell anything for about a week. And at this stage in your life…that is a good thing….trust me!
High-pitched screaming and incessant whining is something that, only those seasoned in parenting, are able to
TUNE-OUT! To all you rookies, it is just an acquired skill that some just never attain…..of course men are better at this, because they have had practice at tuning out their wives…but that is a whole other topic!
Now onto the things that you’ll LOOSE.. don’t worry, they are still technically there, just get use to not seeing them that often and your perspective on all of them will change. Take ‘Sex’ for example. Logic would have you to believe that, at the end of a hectic day with the children nothing would sound better!! Except it’s
like Pavlov’s Theory………the kids are in bed….the thought comes, you get all
ready…and then just like the experiment that led to the Theory, bells start going off and resonating deep within your brain….what if we make another one!!! AHHHHHHH.. sleep seems to win out almost every time…because you have no patience left to contemplate the thought, you ran out of that at exactly 7:52 PM, and you have no strength left to even think about it, much less do it!! But, at least you recapture some sleep ..see not ALL is lost!!! You just really have to work at finding IT!
By this point, the couples are really depressed…so I give them a fun activity to do! I tell them, ” Go buy a notebook and when you find yourselves bored with that cute little,
name-picking-game, take a break from that ( by the way what a waste of time do you remember doing that.. hindsight is 20/20, I know what would be a better use of your time….but they have been forewarned!!) Anyway, the notebook….the object of it is to, write down as many phrases as you can think of, that you believe would never come out of your mouth. Phrases like: ” Please put your clothes back on, and for
heavensake get off the furniture!!” or ” Of course you can’t flush your little brother down the toilet!” I thought I really had a winner with ” what lead you to believe that the bathtub and the toilet are interchangeable??!” I marked this one out of my notebook with the first kid! This is a kick and it is something that brings a lot of
humor into tense situations while at the same time adding a bit of healthy competition!
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