Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn
upsidedown and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
Repaint Cistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
Visit the girls in prison. Take them all hand made designer house arrest ankle bracelets.
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Lay Fabrege egg.
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case
tires are shot out at mall.
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Build snowman in exact likeness of The Angel Gabriel.
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in
each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that
Swag out with Christian Activities Merchandise!