Always opening doors for Sandy and carrying her books, he is the perfect gentleman. She never really dated in high school, but found the possibilities with Tim to be promising. On Friday nights, they and several other classmates who were in a college Bible study together would go to a movie or bowling. Paying for her ticket when she was short shows his interest in her and his charming ways seem fun and exciting. The truth of the matter is that Sandy never really knew him that well.
Little comments here and there are troubling but Sandy ignores them. “Women can be such a tease sometimes,” Tim says to their friend Rick when watching a group of teenage girls in the next lane. “Women complain a lot,” Tim, states when Ashley decides to switch to a lighter ball.
Sandy was torn between feeling pampered and controlled on their first date together. Tim insists on ordering her meal and then telling her how to eat it. He was extremely sophisticated during the whole meal. Sandy dismisses her “red flag” feelings as he takes charge of the whole evening and assumes he is just trying to show her a good time. Tim orders a second bottle of wine and refills Sandy’s glass. Unaware she drank most of the first bottle; she sips on the fresh glass, not wanting to insult Tim’s expensive purchase of imported red.
Feeling light headed, Tim allows her to lean on his strong arm as he opens all the doors on the way out. Driving her home he talks about how special she is and how he hopes he can get to know her more. Standing on her porch still leaning against his arm, feeling tired; Sandy thanks him for a lovely evening and tries to say goodnight. Tim offers to help her in and make sure she will be all right. Sandy says she can manage but Tim says he needs to use the bathroom so he opens the door and they walk in together.
The next morning, after the initial lightheadedness drifts away, Sandy is confronted with the reality that Tim raped her the previous night. She doesn’t remember everything but is sure she said “No!” over and over but he never stopped. Through her tears she picks up the phone to call the police but is unable to dial because she doesn’t know how to explain why the date turned into rape. She tries to call her mother but gilt overwhelms with thoughts of letting this happen and hangs up the receiver. She takes a long shower and prays that it will never happen again.
You may have heard it happen to someone on the news or know of a friend who went through it or maybe it happened to you. Rape is when sex is forced on a person against their will either orally or by intercourse. When the victim knows their attacker then the assault is defined as date or acquaintance rape. Since the victim knew their attacker it is easy to feel it wasn’t really rape. According to the FBI’s Uniform Crime Reporting Program’s annual publication, the forcible rape statistics for 2003 is an estimated 93,433 in the United States.
10 Common Myths
Women can actively try to protect themselves from date/acquaintance rape though education, trusting their own instincts and understanding that drugs and alcohol are often related to rape. Here are ten myths followed with the facts about date rape.
Myth #1 It was my fault because I said “No” too late.
Truth: “No” means “no” and it is not your fault if the attacker interprets it wrong.
Myth #2 Sexual assault occurs by strangers not people I know.
Truth: A rape can occur at the hands of a stranger or an acquaintance or friend.
Myth #3 I asked for it by allowing myself to be alone with him.
Truth: You can’t control the actions of your attacker even if he seemed trustworthy.
Myths #4 I should have known he was like that.
Truth: It is hard to really know someone and he was probably nice before the attack.
Myth #5 A weapon was not used so I wasn’t really forced.
Truth: If you were forced or felt threatened in some way. Maybe the weapon was not a knife or gun but his physical size or maybe they were his words that were the weapon or the weapon could have been chemical, like alcohol or drugs. Either way you were not in control your attacker was, by whatever means he deemed necessary.
Myth #6 I wasn’t raped because I didn’t fight him off.
Truth: You were probably safer if you didn’t fight if you felt threatened in any way.
Myth #7 I shouldn’t have drank any alcohol so it was my fault.
Truth: Even if you were drunk or on drugs, you were still taken advantage of because you were in no shape to consent. He should have respected that so it was not your fault.
Myth #8 Sexual assault only involves intercourse.
Truth: Any unwanted sexual advance is considered rape.
Myth #9 The assault was provoked by the way I was dressed.
Truth: Rape is a crime of violence and control. Your clothes didn’t cause rape.
Myth # 10 I knew my attacker so I don’t deserve respect from police, friends or family.
Truth: You deserve respect as a victim of a crime. If someone does not believe you, tell someone who will believe you. You deserve counseling and medical care and to be taken care of.
The Role of Alcohol and Drugs
There is no doubt that alcohol and drugs can blur thinking and impair judgment. Alcohol may lower the level of awareness and may cause you to be less concerned about possible warning signs. A potential effect of drinking alcohol is passing out, which can leave you vulnerable to any sort of sexual attack. Worse yet, an attacker may use alcohol, illegal drugs or even prescription drugs in order to overpower a victim. A Duke university study showed that in 90% of all campus rapes, the rapist, the victim, or both had been drinking—Duke University newspaper The Chronicle, June 9, 1994.
According to Karen J. Gordon’s chapter The use of Date Rape Drugs is Increasing, “In predator cases in which the rapist first drugs his victim (often by slipping something into her drink), paying attention to the first warning signs is crucial. Flunitrazepam (Rohypnol), a sedative in the Valium family, and gamma hydroxybutyrate (GHB), a powerful synthetic drug recently promoted for body building, are used by sexual predators to render their victim defenseless. What is especially disturbing about these drugs is the memory loss that occurs, leaving the victim unable to remember what she did, or what was done to her. When mixed with alcohol, both Rohypnol and GHB can be fatal.”—Date Rape (Greenhaven Press, 2004)
Prevention
Scott Lindquist, F.C.P.P. states, “There are three danger spots that women should be aware of: bars, fraternity houses, and college athletic parties.”—The Date Rape Prevention Book (Sourcebooks, Inc. 2000). He further writes, “In most cases of rape, the intended victim let down her guard for a moment or longer, which gave the rapist enough time to get control of the situation and prevent her escape. This can happen in a parking lot, a hallway, on the street, in a car, or in a home.” The following are tips that can prevent date rape:
Tip #1 Listen to your instincts. If you feel there is something not right about this guy or place, than you need to leave. You can keep from feeling obligated by not letting him pay for anything.
Tip #2 Don’t become isolated. Group dates with girl friends and dating in public places like a roller-skating rink or miniature golf can prevent isolation. Don’t ride alone with your date; plan to meet him at a designated location.
Tip #3 Don’t just date anyone, be choosy. Pray for guidance before selecting anyone to date. Blind dates or Internet dating could be the potential for disaster. Bars are a bad location to meet a guy because of the presence of alcohol.
Tip #4 Make intentions clear. You don’t need to blurt our “I am a virgin and you aren’t getting any tonight.” But either when the date is made or when you first get together you can say that after the movie you need to be home at a certain time. If the subject comes up as to your intention, be strong and clear, state exactly what you mean
Tip #5 Stay sober. Don’t drink or use drugs while on a date even if he does. If he does, take a cab home. Don’t leave your drink unsupervised or accept a drink from anyone unless it is unopened.
Support in the wake of an assault
If you or someone you know is raped, the effects can wreak havoc on the victim and their loved ones. If someone you know is raped…
• Believe the person.
• Offer comfort and support.
• Go with her to the hospital, police station, or counseling center.
• Let her know that they are not at fault.
• Encourage her to report the crime.
• Listen and pray together.
Victims of date rape are less likely to call their experience “rape” than those raped by a stranger, and they are also less likely to seek help. There may not be any signs of trauma like you usually see when a person is raped by a stranger. Date rape can be a difficult thing to live through even years after the incident. A common misconception that “time heals all wounds,” may only drive a victim further into anger, mistrust and depression.
There is One who any victim of a sexual assault can turn to: “I will praise you, LORD, for you have rescued me. You refused to let my enemies triumph over me. O LORD my God, I cried out to you for help, and you restored my health. You brought me up from the grave, O LORD. You kept me from falling into the pit of death.”—Psalm 30:1-3 (NLT) If you do not want or are afraid to talk with someone, the Lord is there for you.
Resources for coping with date rape
Beauty Restored: Finding Life and Hope after Date Rape, Author: Me Ra Koh, Regal Books (March 2001)
Coping with Date Rape and Acquaintance Rape, Author: Andrea Parrot, Rosen Publishing Group (1999)
Date Rape, dited by James Haley; Book Editor, Greenhaven Press (2003)
The Shattering Aftermath of Rape, Tom and Kathy Adamson, Focus on the Family, Item Code: CT522
• Hope For Healing: Rape Recovery Help and Info www.hopeforhealing.org • A free brochure called Date Rape A Power Trip by National Crime Prevention Council can be downloaded at www.ncpc.org by searching under it’s title. • The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) – 1-800-656-HOPE: www.rainn.org • Rape Crisis Center www.rapecrisiscenter.com
Editor’s note: I had an experience with attempted date rape two weeks after my mother died. Although I was able to escape my attacker, he was someone I knew from church, and someone I had turned to for comfort after the death of my mother. It took me months to tell anyone because of the shame and trauma. I wish I had asked for help sooner.
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