What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
My mother taught me RELIGION:
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC:
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY:
“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
“Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
“You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
“It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room.”
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – don’t exaggerate!”
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
“Stop acting like your father!”
My mother taught me about ENVY:
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”
My mother taught me about CHARITABLE GIVING:
“Eat all you dinner. Think of all the starving children in China who would love to have that!”
Thanks, Mom!

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