MARTHA STEWART'S HOLIDAY CALENDAR

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Author Unknown
Nov 30, 2011

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December 1

Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn
upsidedown and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2

Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.

December 3

Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4

Repaint Cistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5

Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6

Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.

December 7

Visit the girls in prison. Take them all hand made designer house arrest ankle bracelets.

December 10

Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11

Lay Fabrege egg.

December 12

Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13

Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for decorative pie crusts.

December 14

Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15

Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case
tires are shot out at mall.

December 17

Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19

Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same
height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20

Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21

Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.

December 22

Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23

Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24

Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.

December 25

Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.

December 26

Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27

Build snowman in exact likeness of The Angel Gabriel.

December 31

New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
Call a friend in
each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that
country.




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